I cried during every work break yesterday. I cried on the way to a quick pee when one of our amazing CNAs gave me the look and asked me how I was doing. I have cried every day for the last three weeks.

And I cried when one of my colleagues dragged me into our manager’s office and read aloud a letter nominating me for a nursing award called a daisy.

Daisies are my favorite flower. I carried a bouquet of them when I got married twenty one and a half years ago. But that’s not why I cried.

I cried because the person described by the colleague who nominated me doesn’t resemble the person my spouse thinks I am.

And then I cried because I realized that too often, the person I am when I’m around my spouse doesn’t resemble the person described by the colleague who nominated me.

But they are both me. I am empathetic, creative, and patient. And I am critical, particular, and dissatisfied.

I wish the termination of our marriage had come with a verbal warning, performance review, or improvement plan. My heart still thinks I could have fixed it. I have always tried to be responsive to feedback. Instead, I’m managing the unravelling of my life and the untangling of our shared existence.

So I’ll cry again today. I’ll intentionally mark moments of gratitude, particularly for the community of people who have offered me support and encouragement, and who have shared their own journey of divorce. And hope that one day I’ll feel whole.